Can't Hammer

Pain is my constant companion.  Sometimes, it fades into the background and I forget it’s there. Then just when I start to enjoy life and do the things I like to do, it trips me up and reminds me that it’s still here. Lurking beneath the surface, always waiting for a chance to bite.

I love to garden. I like to put my hands in the dirt and nurture plants to fruition. I like the feeling of accomplishment I get when I step back and see a clean, tidy, space bursting with potential. The riot of greens and yellows waiting to burst forth into a riot of colors and scents to dazzle the eyes and delight the nose allow me to forget my troubles, even if just for a little while.

This past weekend, my companion and my pastime were at odds with one another. I wanted to start getting the yard cleaned up and ready for planting next weekend. Specifically, I wanted to get my poor clematis plants situated so they were better able to reach the trellis. I wasn’t sure they would come back this year, so unfortunately I didn’t clean up the area properly last fall. To my delight, one of the two plants is growing like gangbusters.

I didn’t want to disturb the delicate root system, so I decided to move the trellis closer to the plants. The trellis has to be staked into the ground to keep it from falling over. Easy peasy right? Just remove the stakes, move the trellis, and then re-stake. Two of the three parts of this task went smoothly, then it was time to put the stakes back in. I couldn’t do it. 

I couldn't get myself bent into a position that didn't cause extreme pain in my lower back, and the hammer was too heavy. I tried a different hammer and it was also too heavy. My arm and hands were crying out in pain. What the h-e-double toothpicks? This is not something that has ever happened to me before. I grew up helping my dad with his projects, I could swing a hammer before I could tie my shoes. I was a techie in the theatre.  I have my own damn PINK hammer for pity’s sake!  What is happening to me?

I was mad, bewildered, and agonized all at once. What’s next? I won’t be able to turn a screwdriver? I cried, and I threw the hammer at the ground. Eventually I had to have DH help. This is not acceptable! I cannot allow pain to take away my safe place. Gardening is my sanctuary. Last year I was in too much pain from my back to do much, and I suffered for it. I need to garden this year. I need to feed my soul in a way that no other activity can.